I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but please know that it's essential to be compassionate towards yourself. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're destined to be alone. There are steps you can take to work on yourself and improve your interactions with others:
Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your behavior and actions. Identify patterns that you believe are toxic and think about why they might be happening. Understanding the root causes can help you address them effectively.
Seek Professional Help: If you find it challenging to cope with your feelings or if you believe there are deeper issues contributing to your self-perception, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and help you navigate through your emotions and thoughts.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Recognize that it's okay to have flaws and that personal growth is a journey.
Set Realistic Expectations: Building meaningful connections takes time and effort. Don't expect instant friendships or perfection. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate the process.
Apologize and Make Amends: If you believe you've hurt or harmed others with your behavior, consider apologizing and making amends where possible. Genuine apologies can be powerful and can help repair relationships.
Learn and Grow: Take the time to educate yourself on positive communication skills, empathy, and emotional intelligence. Books, online resources, or self-help materials can be beneficial in enhancing your understanding of healthy relationships.
Find Common Interests: Engage in activities or join groups where you can meet like-minded individuals who share your interests. Common interests can be a great foundation for building friendships.
Practice Active Listening: When interacting with others, focus on being present and actively listening to what they have to say. Show genuine interest in their experiences and feelings.
Be Kind to Others: Acts of kindness and compassion can go a long way in fostering connections. Simple gestures, such as offering help or lending an ear, can make a significant difference.
Volunteer: Engaging in volunteer work can not only be fulfilling but also allows you to meet people who are passionate about similar causes.
Give It Time: Making friends and developing healthy relationships takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and allow friendships to evolve naturally.
Remember, it's okay to struggle with making friends or to feel like you've exhibited toxic behavior in the past. The key is to acknowledge it, work on improving yourself, and take steps towards positive change. With time, effort, and self-compassion, you can grow and build healthier relationships with others.