It sounds like you may be experiencing a condition known as "thought-action fusion" or "cognitive fusion." Thought-action fusion is a cognitive distortion where individuals believe that having a thought is equivalent to actually carrying out the action or that thinking about something makes it more likely to happen in reality. This can lead to a blurring of the line between intrusive thoughts and reality, causing distress and anxiety.
Additionally, you mentioned feeling paranoid about whether these thoughts are actual memories. In some cases, people with certain mental health conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or related disorders, might experience intrusive thoughts that feel so real and intense that they begin to doubt their own memories and question if they might have actually done something wrong.
It's essential to understand that having intrusive thoughts does not mean you have acted on them or that you are likely to do so. Intrusive thoughts are a common phenomenon and are not indicative of your character or intentions.
To address these concerns, it's crucial to seek help from a mental health professional who can provide a proper assessment and diagnosis. They can help determine if there are underlying conditions contributing to these experiences and develop a treatment plan tailored to your needs. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure-response prevention (ERP) are evidence-based treatments commonly used to help individuals manage intrusive thoughts and related conditions.
Remember that professional help is available, and reaching out to a mental health expert is a vital step in understanding and managing these distressing thoughts. Don't hesitate to seek support—it's an essential step towards improving your well-being and gaining clarity about your experiences.