Telling someone to "calm down" when they are upset can often be counterproductive and lead to further frustration or anger. There are several reasons why people may react negatively when they are told to calm down:
Invalidating emotions: When you tell someone to calm down, it can come across as dismissing or invalidating their feelings. People want their emotions to be acknowledged and understood, not brushed aside or minimized.
Escalation of emotions: Instead of helping the person calm down, being told to do so may actually escalate their emotions. They might interpret the statement as condescending or patronizing, which can intensify their frustration or anger.
Lack of empathy: Telling someone to calm down without showing empathy or understanding for their feelings can create a communication barrier. Empathy involves acknowledging and validating the other person's emotions, which is crucial for effective communication.
Timing and delivery: The way the message is delivered matters. If it's said in a dismissive or authoritative tone, it can be received as offensive. Timing is also essential; trying to get someone to calm down while they are still in the midst of their emotional state may not be the best approach.
Emotional intensity: When people are experiencing strong emotions, their cognitive abilities might be impaired, making it challenging for them to simply "calm down" on demand. It's essential to recognize that emotions can take time to subside naturally.
Perception of control: Being told to calm down can be interpreted as an attempt to control the person's emotions, which can lead to resistance and pushback.
Problem-solving approach: While suggesting someone "calm down" might seem like a solution, it doesn't address the root cause of their emotions. Instead, it's more helpful to listen actively and offer support to understand the reasons behind their feelings.
To better handle situations when someone is upset, it's essential to respond with empathy, active listening, and understanding. You can acknowledge their emotions by saying things like, "I can see you're upset, and that's okay. Please tell me what's bothering you so I can understand better." This approach shows that you care about their feelings and are willing to listen without judgment, which can lead to more effective communication and resolution of the issue.