It is not uncommon for people to have conflicting feelings about their narcissistic ex-partners or to be drawn back into such relationships despite knowing they were treated poorly. This pattern can be attributed to several psychological and emotional factors:
1. Trauma Bonding: Narcissists often create a strong emotional bond with their partners through cycles of love-bombing and devaluation. This intermittent reinforcement can lead to a trauma bond, where you may have become emotionally attached to the intense highs and lows of the relationship.
2. Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is a conflict between what you know to be true (i.e., the mistreatment you experienced) and your emotional desires (i.e., wanting to be with your ex again). Your mind may try to rationalize or downplay the negative aspects of the relationship to reduce the discomfort of this conflict.
3. Idealization of the Past: You might be focusing on the positive or idealized memories of the relationship while minimizing or forgetting the negative aspects. Nostalgia can make it challenging to see the relationship for what it truly was.
4. Fear of Loneliness: Ending a relationship can be emotionally challenging, and fear of loneliness or being alone may drive you to consider reuniting with your ex-partner, even if the relationship was unhealthy.
5. Low Self-Esteem: Narcissists can erode their partners' self-esteem and self-worth over time. This can lead you to believe that you don't deserve better treatment or that you won't find someone else who will treat you well.
6. Hope for Change: It's natural to hope that your ex-partner will change or that the relationship can improve. This hope can be compelling, even if there's little evidence to support it.
7. Familiarity and Comfort: The familiar can feel safer, even if it's not healthy. Going back to a known situation, no matter how negative, can seem less intimidating than the uncertainty of starting anew.
8. External Manipulation: Narcissists can be skilled manipulators and may use various tactics to draw you back into the relationship, such as love bombing, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim.
Recognizing that you want to get back with your narcissistic ex is not an indication of something being inherently wrong with you. These feelings are a result of the complex dynamics that can exist in toxic relationships. However, it is crucial to prioritize your well-being and break free from harmful patterns.
Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your emotions, build self-esteem, establish healthier boundaries, and develop coping strategies to resist the pull of the toxic relationship. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends and family can also make the process of healing and moving forward much more manageable. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love in a relationship.