It's essential to recognize that feelings of love and attachment can be complex and influenced by various factors, including our upbringing, experiences, and the dynamics of our relationships. It's not uncommon for individuals to have conflicting emotions towards a parent, especially if there have been controlling or suffocating behaviors involved.
It seems like you have had a strong attachment to your mother in the past, but her controlling behavior may have impacted your feelings over time. Controlling behaviors can create feelings of suffocation, dependency, and even resentment, leading to a strain in the emotional bond.
Here are a few possible reasons for your current feelings:
Overprotection and Control: While your mother may have been caring, her extreme controlling nature might have made you feel like your autonomy and individuality were suppressed, leading to a sense of emotional distance.
Boundary Violations: Overbearing control can blur boundaries, making it difficult for you to establish your identity and personal space.
Lack of Emotional Expression: If your mother's caring was more focused on controlling actions rather than genuine emotional connection, it might have left you feeling emotionally disconnected.
Resentment: Years of feeling controlled can lead to resentment and a desire for freedom, which may affect your feelings of love and attachment.
Trauma Bonding: In some cases, a person's intense attachment to a controlling caregiver might have been rooted in trauma bonding rather than healthy love and nurturing.
Personal Growth and Independence: As you grow older, you might be seeking more independence and autonomy, which can naturally lead to a reevaluation of your relationship with your mother.
It's important to recognize that these feelings are valid and part of your emotional journey. Healing and improving the relationship with your mother can involve open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional support if needed. A therapist can help you navigate these feelings, explore the dynamics of your relationship, and work towards establishing a healthier emotional connection with your mother, whether that involves improving the relationship or finding ways to maintain distance and self-preservation. Remember that self-discovery and emotional growth are ongoing processes, and it's okay to take your time to understand and navigate your feelings.