Experiencing emotional trauma from one's parents can be a deeply distressing and confusing experience. The ongoing questioning and doubt about whether it actually happened are common responses to trauma. Several factors may contribute to these feelings:
Dissociation as a coping mechanism: Dissociation is a defense mechanism that the mind employs to protect itself from overwhelming emotions or traumatic experiences. It can create a sense of detachment from the memories, making it feel like the events happened to someone else or that they were not real.
Guilt and self-blame: Some individuals who have experienced trauma may internalize feelings of guilt or self-blame, which can lead to doubting the validity of their experiences. They may question if they somehow caused or deserved the mistreatment.
Gaslighting and invalidation: Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where an abuser makes the victim doubt their reality or sanity. If your parents emotionally traumatized you but denied it or made you feel like you were overreacting, this gaslighting behavior can create uncertainty about the truth of your experiences.
Complex emotions toward parents: It is not uncommon for individuals who have experienced trauma from their parents to have conflicting emotions about them. You might love your parents, even if they have hurt you, which can add to the confusion and doubt.
Fragmented memories: Trauma can lead to fragmented or repressed memories, making it challenging to piece together the events accurately. Memory gaps can add to the uncertainty and questioning.
Emotional numbing: Trauma can cause emotional numbing as a way to protect oneself from overwhelming feelings. This numbing can create a sense of emotional distance from the memories, making it harder to connect with them.
Normalization of abuse: If emotional abuse was pervasive in your upbringing, you might have normalized it as a way to cope with the situation. Questioning its reality can be part of a struggle to acknowledge the harm caused.
Fear of confronting the truth: Facing the reality of traumatic experiences can be incredibly daunting. The mind may protect itself from further pain by creating doubts or denial.
If you find yourself questioning the validity of your experiences, it may be beneficial to seek support from a mental health professional. A therapist can help you explore your feelings, memories, and coping mechanisms in a safe and supportive environment. They can also assist you in processing the trauma and navigating the complex emotions that may arise from it. Remember that healing from emotional trauma is a gradual process, and seeking help is a brave step toward understanding and reclaiming your experiences.