It's important to remember that addressing childhood trauma is a complex process, and seeking support from a qualified therapist or counselor would be beneficial. They can provide personalized guidance and understanding tailored to your unique experiences. That said, here are some steps you might consider:
Acknowledge your feelings: It's essential to recognize and accept the emotions you're experiencing. It's normal to feel conflicted or constrained in certain environments.
Explore your past: Reflect on your childhood experiences with your dad and try to identify any specific incidents or patterns that may have influenced your current feelings. Understanding the root cause of these feelings can be an essential step in healing.
Seek professional help: Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and LGBTQ+ issues. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and work through the impact of childhood trauma.
Set boundaries: While working through these feelings, establish clear boundaries with your dad. This may involve expressing your need for self-expression and asserting your identity.
Educate your dad: If you feel comfortable, you can try having an open and honest conversation with your dad about how you feel when you're around him. Share your need to express yourself authentically and ask for his support and understanding.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Spend time with friends, family members, or communities who accept and celebrate your true identity. Having a support network can help you feel more secure in expressing yourself.
Embrace self-acceptance: Be patient with yourself and practice self-compassion. Accepting and loving yourself for who you are is a vital part of healing from trauma.
Express yourself privately: If it feels safe to do so, you can explore your feminine expression in private settings until you feel more comfortable expressing yourself openly.
Remember, your feelings are valid, and there is no one "right" way to be feminine or masculine. It's essential to prioritize your well-being and work towards self-acceptance and self-expression at a pace that feels right for you. Seeking professional guidance can be immensely valuable in this process.