Communicating with a narcissistic and emotionally neglectful parent can be challenging, as they may have difficulty understanding or accepting their impact on others. However, there are some strategies you can try to express your feelings and experiences while minimizing the likelihood of her seeing herself as the victim:
Choose the right time and place: Find a calm and private setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation. Avoid bringing up sensitive topics during heated moments or when tensions are already high.
Use "I" statements: Frame your feelings and experiences using "I" statements rather than accusing or blaming language. This can help prevent her from becoming defensive and may make her more receptive to hearing your perspective.
For example:
- "I feel hurt when..."
- "I've experienced some challenges in our relationship, and I would like to talk about them."
Be specific and concrete: Share specific examples of situations that have caused you pain or trauma. Clear examples can help her understand the impact of her actions.
Set boundaries: Make it clear that you are not attacking her as a person but are discussing specific behaviors that have affected you. Emphasize that your goal is to improve the relationship and find a way to heal together.
Stay calm and composed: Try to remain composed during the conversation. If she becomes defensive or tries to shift the blame, resist the urge to engage in a heated argument. Stay focused on expressing your feelings and experiences.
Be prepared for resistance: Recognize that it might be challenging for her to accept her role in your trauma. She may deflect, deny, or minimize her actions. Stay patient and persistent, even if progress is slow.
Validate her feelings (if appropriate): If she expresses feelings of hurt or frustration during the conversation, try to validate her emotions while also asserting your own experiences. Acknowledging her feelings doesn't mean dismissing your own.
Consider writing a letter: Sometimes, writing a heartfelt letter can be an effective way to express your feelings. This allows you to organize your thoughts and emotions clearly without interruptions.
Seek support from others: If possible, enlist the support of other family members or friends who can help reinforce the importance of open communication and understanding in the family.
Focus on your healing: Ultimately, you cannot control how your mother responds or behaves. Concentrate on your own healing and well-being, even if she is unwilling to participate in therapy or change her behavior.
If your mother continues to be unwilling to address the trauma she has caused you or engage in family therapy, it might be beneficial to seek support from a therapist individually. A therapist can help you process your feelings, develop coping strategies, and find ways to navigate the relationship with your mother in a healthy manner. Remember that healing and growth are possible even in challenging family dynamics.