What you're describing could be related to a few different things:
Masking or Social Camouflaging: Some individuals, especially those with conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or social anxiety, may develop coping mechanisms where they observe and mimic social behaviors to fit in. This can lead to feeling like you're always acting or wearing a social mask.
Emotional Regulation Difficulties: People with emotional regulation challenges might struggle to connect with their own feelings and may rely on learned responses to navigate social situations.
Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from your emotions or actions can be associated with dissociative experiences. Dissociation is a defense mechanism that can occur in response to stress or trauma.
Identity and Authenticity: Sometimes, people who feel the need to present themselves a certain way in different situations might question their authenticity or sense of self.
While it's not possible to diagnose a specific condition or issue without a thorough evaluation by a qualified mental health professional, the experience you're describing is worth discussing with a therapist or counselor. They can help you better understand what's happening and provide guidance on managing your emotions and sense of self.
Remember, seeking support from a mental health professional is a sign of strength, and it can be a valuable step toward understanding yourself better and finding ways to cope with any challenges you may be facing. If you're comfortable doing so, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor to discuss your feelings and experiences in more detail. They can provide personalized insights and strategies to help you navigate through these feelings.