Feeling attached to someone with whom you had a significant history, even if the relationship was toxic, is not uncommon. Emotional attachment, especially after spending a considerable amount of time together, can create a strong bond, and breaking that bond can be challenging. Several factors may contribute to why you still miss your ex:
Trauma Bonding: As you mentioned, you experienced emotional abuse during the relationship, which can lead to trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where the victim forms a strong emotional bond with the abuser as a survival strategy. It can create confusion and make it difficult to break away from the abuser, even after the relationship ends.
Familiarity and Comfort: After spending seven years with someone, you likely developed routines and shared many experiences. Even if those experiences were negative, the familiarity and comfort of the relationship can still trigger feelings of longing.
Selective Memory: It's common for people to remember the positive aspects of a relationship while minimizing or forgetting the negative parts. Your mind might be focusing on the good times, which can make you miss your ex.
Fear of Loneliness: Leaving a long-term relationship can create a fear of loneliness or the unknown. It's natural to feel apprehensive about the future and the possibility of not finding someone else.
Self-Worth and Validation: Emotional abuse can diminish your sense of self-worth and make you seek validation from your abuser. Even though you know the relationship was unhealthy, you may still crave validation and approval from your ex-partner.
Hope for Change: Hearing that your ex is treating and changing for someone else might trigger feelings of hope that they could have changed for you too. However, it's essential to remember that change is a complex process, and people rarely change solely for someone else.
Breaking free from these feelings can be a challenging process, but it's essential for your well-being and growth. Consider the following steps:
Acknowledge the Reality: Remind yourself of the negative aspects of the relationship and the emotional abuse you endured. Stay grounded in the truth rather than getting lost in selective memories.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist who can offer understanding and encouragement as you navigate your emotions.
No Contact: If possible, limit or cut off contact with your ex to give yourself the space to heal and move forward.
Focus on Self-Care: Invest time in activities that bring you joy and help you rebuild your self-esteem.
Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect yourself from any attempts your ex might make to re-enter your life.
Professional Help: Consider therapy or counseling to process the trauma and work through any unresolved emotions.
Stay Patient with Yourself: Healing from emotional abuse takes time, so be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel a range of emotions without judgment.
Remember that you deserve a healthy and respectful relationship, and breaking the cycle of emotional abuse is the first step towards finding that happiness.