While I cannot diagnose any condition, your description of being scared to eat over 1,000 calories, obsessing over food, and experiencing cycles of starvation and bingeing could be indicative of an eating disorder or disordered eating.
Eating disorders can manifest in various ways and are not solely characterized by vomiting (as in bulimia) or being underweight (as in anorexia). They can also include behaviors such as binge eating, feeling guilty or ashamed about eating, and having an unhealthy preoccupation with food, weight, or body image.
It's essential to take these concerns seriously and seek help from a qualified healthcare professional, such as a doctor, therapist, or dietitian, who can properly evaluate your situation, provide a diagnosis if necessary, and recommend appropriate treatment options.
Early intervention and seeking support can be crucial in addressing and managing disordered eating patterns. Eating disorders can have serious physical and emotional consequences, even if someone is at a healthy weight. Seeking help and treatment can lead to a healthier relationship with food, improve overall well-being, and prevent potential complications.
If you are uncomfortable discussing this with someone in person, consider reaching out to helplines or online resources dedicated to eating disorders or mental health. Remember that you don't have to face this alone, and seeking professional support can make a significant difference in your recovery journey.