I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation. It's essential to understand that experiencing conflicting emotions in an abusive relationship is not uncommon. It's not unusual to feel love and attachment to someone despite their abusive behavior. This can happen due to various reasons, such as:
Trauma bonding: Abusive relationships can create a strong emotional bond, making it difficult to break free even when the behavior is harmful.
Low self-esteem: The abusive partner may have undermined your self-worth, making you believe you don't deserve better treatment or can't find happiness outside of the relationship.
Fear of the unknown: Leaving a relationship, especially when it's been a significant part of your life, can be terrifying and uncertain. The idea of being alone or facing change can be overwhelming.
Hope for change: You may hope that your partner will change and return to the person you fell in love with during the good times.
Isolation: Abusive partners may isolate you from friends and family, leaving you feeling dependent on them for emotional support.
Cultural or societal influences: Some cultures or societal norms might emphasize staying in relationships regardless of the circumstances, making it harder to leave.
While these feelings are normal considering the situation, it's crucial to prioritize your safety, well-being, and mental health. Abusive relationships can have serious long-term consequences on physical and emotional health. Here are some steps to consider:
Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a support group who can provide emotional assistance and understanding.
Professional help: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in abusive relationships. They can help you navigate your emotions and provide guidance on how to leave safely.
Safety plan: If you decide to leave, develop a safety plan to ensure your protection. This might involve finding a safe place to stay, having important documents ready, and contacting local support organizations.
Educate yourself: Learn about the patterns of abuse and manipulation so that you can better recognize them and protect yourself in the future.
Set boundaries: If you're not ready to leave yet, at least establish clear boundaries with your partner about what behaviors are unacceptable. However, be aware that changing an abusive partner is rarely within your control.
Prioritize self-care: Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and overall well-being.
Remember, you don't deserve to be abused, and it's essential to take steps to protect yourself from harm. If you feel like you can't do this on your own, don't hesitate to seek help from friends, family, or professionals.