The phenomenon you described is a common psychological pattern observed in various aspects of life, not just in relationships. There are several reasons why people might not fully recognize the extent of their relationship issues until after they have left them:
Emotional Investment: When you are deeply involved in a relationship, especially a long-term one, you become emotionally invested in it. This emotional investment can cloud your judgment and lead you to overlook or rationalize problems and negative aspects of the relationship.
Cognitive Dissonance: Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two conflicting beliefs or attitudes. In the context of relationships, if you have invested significant time, effort, and emotions into a relationship, acknowledging its problems can create cognitive dissonance as it challenges the positive view you had initially.
Fear of Change: The fear of change and the unknown can make it difficult to objectively evaluate a relationship's health while you are still in it. Leaving a relationship involves uncertainty, and it can be easier to ignore or downplay issues to maintain a sense of stability.
Normalization of Problems: Over time, individuals might become accustomed to the issues in their relationships, viewing them as normal or acceptable. This normalization can make it challenging to recognize the relationship's true problems until an external perspective is gained.
Loss Aversion: People tend to be more sensitive to potential losses than gains. When you are in a relationship, you might fear the emotional pain or loneliness associated with leaving more than you recognize the emotional toll the relationship itself is taking on you.
External Validation: Sometimes, people seek validation from others to assess the health of their relationship. Getting out of the bubble of the relationship and receiving feedback from friends, family, or therapists can provide an external perspective that helps you recognize the problems.
Post-breakup Clarity: After leaving a relationship, you may experience a period of introspection and clarity. The emotional distance from the relationship allows you to reflect on its dynamics more objectively, leading to a clearer understanding of the issues that were previously overlooked.
Defensive Mechanisms: In some cases, individuals may use defense mechanisms like denial or avoidance to cope with relationship problems. These mechanisms can hinder their ability to perceive the issues until they are ready to confront them.
It's important to note that every relationship is unique, and the reasons for not fully recognizing problems may vary depending on individual circumstances and dynamics. If you find yourself in a relationship and feel uncertain about its health, seeking guidance from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional can be beneficial. Their perspectives and insights can help you gain clarity and make informed decisions about the relationship's future.