As an outside observer, I don't have all the context and nuances of your relationship with your sister and your ex-partner. However, I can offer some general insights that might help you navigate this situation.
Firstly, it's essential to recognize that setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary part of maintaining your well-being and protecting your children from potentially harmful influences. If you feel uncomfortable with your sister discussing your ex-partner and your past relationship with your children, it is entirely valid to communicate your feelings and request her to stop doing so.
When you asked your sister to "stay in her lane," you were essentially expressing your boundary and asking her not to interfere in a specific area of your life. Boundaries are a way to establish what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your relationships. It's crucial to communicate these boundaries respectfully and assertively.
However, it's also understandable that your sister may feel hurt or confused by your request, especially if she doesn't fully grasp the dynamics of your past relationship or the impact it had on you and your children. In her eyes, she might believe that she is just expressing concern or trying to offer support, even though her actions may not align with what you need or want.
To address the situation:
Open communication: Sit down with your sister and have an honest conversation about your feelings and concerns. Explain to her how her actions are affecting you and your children. Try to do so calmly and without attacking or blaming her.
Share your perspective: Help her understand why you have set this boundary and how it is essential for your emotional well-being and that of your children.
Ask for empathy: Encourage her to try to see things from your point of view and understand the difficulties you faced during your past relationship.
Set expectations: Clearly communicate what you need from her in terms of support and respect for your boundaries.
Listen to her perspective: Be open to listening to her side of the story and her reasons for maintaining a friendship with your ex-partner.
Agree to disagree: Understand that you and your sister may have different viewpoints, and it's okay not to see eye-to-eye on everything.
Reiterate your boundaries: Politely remind her of your request and the importance of respecting your wishes.
Ultimately, your well-being and that of your children are your priorities. If your sister is unwilling to respect your boundaries or continues to cause emotional distress, you may need to consider limiting contact or setting firmer boundaries to protect yourself and your children. It can also be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate these challenging family dynamics and provide guidance on maintaining healthy boundaries.