When someone says they're not going to miss someone when they're gone but then cries at the funeral or wake, it can be due to a complex mix of emotions and psychological factors. Here are some possible reasons for this seemingly contradictory behavior:
Defense Mechanism: People may use defense mechanisms, such as denial or repression, to cope with the pain of loss before it actually happens. By stating they won't miss the person, they might be trying to protect themselves from the overwhelming emotions associated with losing someone they care about deeply.
Avoiding Vulnerability: Expressing sadness or admitting they will miss the person could make some individuals feel vulnerable or expose their emotions, which they may be uncomfortable doing in front of others. They might adopt a defensive stance initially to shield themselves emotionally.
Social Expectations: Society often has specific norms or expectations regarding how people should express grief. Saying they won't miss the person might be an attempt to align themselves with these social expectations initially, but the emotions can still surface during the funeral or wake when surrounded by others who are also grieving.
Delayed Grief: Grief doesn't always manifest immediately after a loss. Some individuals might experience a delayed response to the loss, and their emotions could catch up with them during the funeral or wake, where the reality of the person's absence becomes more tangible.
Ambivalent Feelings: People can have conflicting emotions about the person who passed away. They might have had a complicated relationship, which can lead to mixed feelings, including relief that the difficult aspects are over and sadness over the loss of the positive aspects.
Shared Grief: Witnessing others' grief during the funeral or wake can trigger a person's emotions and empathy, even if they initially thought they wouldn't miss the person. Seeing the impact of the loss on others can stir up emotions in unexpected ways.
Regret: Sometimes, people might regret not having the chance to resolve issues or say goodbye before the person's passing. This regret can contribute to their emotional response during the funeral or wake.
Realization of the Finality: The funeral or wake can make the person fully realize the finality of the loss. It's one thing to intellectually understand someone is gone, but the emotional impact can hit harder when faced with the physical absence and rituals of saying goodbye.
It's essential to recognize that grief is a deeply individual and unpredictable process. People cope with loss in various ways, and their emotions can fluctuate throughout the grieving journey. Expressing conflicting emotions is normal, and there's no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. It's essential to offer support and understanding to those who are grieving, allowing them the space to process their emotions in their own time and manner.