I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through such a difficult and traumatic experience during your younger years. Verbal abuse and threats of physical violence can leave lasting emotional scars. It is not uncommon for such experiences to have a profound impact on a person's psyche, even if the abuser has changed their behavior later on.
The fear you feel when your dad raises his voice might be a result of past trauma and conditioning. When you were younger, your brain may have associated your dad's raised voice with the fear of potential harm or emotional distress. This response could have been a protective mechanism, as your brain perceived the raised voice as a signal of danger.
It's important to recognize that overcoming the effects of past trauma can be challenging, and the fear you experience is not your fault. It may take time and effort to heal from such experiences. Here are some steps you can consider to address and cope with these feelings:
Seek support: Talk to someone you trust about your feelings, such as a close friend, family member, or a counselor/therapist. Speaking about your emotions can be therapeutic and help you process what you're going through.
Understand your emotions: Take the time to recognize and validate your emotions. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel scared or anxious given your past experiences.
Communicate with your dad: If you feel comfortable doing so, consider having an open and honest conversation with your dad about how you feel when his voice gets raised. He may not be aware of the impact his behavior has on you.
Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries with your dad to ensure that your emotional well-being is protected. This may involve politely asking him to refrain from raising his voice or using certain language.
Consider therapy: Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma or abuse can be immensely beneficial in helping you process and cope with your past experiences.
Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, spending time with supportive friends, or engaging in relaxation techniques like meditation.
Remember that healing is a journey and it's okay to take small steps towards progress. Don't be too hard on yourself, and be patient as you work through your emotions. It's essential to prioritize your mental health and seek support when needed.