What you're experiencing is not uncommon and can be attributed to various psychological and emotional processes related to trauma. There are a few possible explanations for why you might feel terrified and numb when thinking about past traumatic events, even if you didn't feel that way when the events were happening:
Defense Mechanisms: Our minds often employ defense mechanisms to protect us from overwhelming emotions during traumatic experiences. At the time of the events, your mind might have used mechanisms like dissociation or suppression to cope with the fear and pain, creating a sense of detachment from the emotions associated with the events. However, when you revisit these memories later, those suppressed emotions can resurface, leading to feelings of terror and numbness.
Delayed Emotional Processing: Sometimes, the emotional impact of traumatic events doesn't fully manifest until later in life. This delayed emotional processing can occur when other life stressors or triggers bring these memories to the surface, causing you to experience the emotions that were initially numbed or dissociated.
Triggers: Memories of traumatic events can be triggered by various stimuli, such as specific sights, sounds, smells, or even certain emotions. When these triggers occur, they can evoke intense emotional responses, including fear and numbness.
Fragmented Memories: Memories of trauma may not be recalled linearly or coherently. Instead, they can be fragmented and disorganized, making it difficult to understand the sequence of events or the emotions experienced at the time. Revisiting these fragmented memories can evoke confusing and distressing emotions.
Processing Trauma in Safe Environments: When you were a child, you might not have felt safe enough to process and express your emotions fully. As an adult, you may now find yourself in a safer environment or with a more significant support system, which allows you to explore and confront those suppressed feelings.
Growth and Personal Development: As we grow and develop, our emotional capacity and understanding of events can change. What might not have seemed scary or overwhelming as a child can be perceived differently as an adult, given your increased emotional maturity and life experiences.
It's essential to remember that everyone's response to trauma is unique, and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. If you find that these memories are causing you significant distress or interfering with your daily life, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support. A therapist experienced in trauma can help you explore and process these memories in a safe and supportive environment, leading to healing and growth.