I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a traumatic childhood and teenage years, especially during your 7th grade year and the summer leading up to it. Experiencing such difficulties can be incredibly challenging and can lead to complex emotions.
However, it's important to recognize that seeking revenge or wanting to make the world suffer as a response to your pain is not a healthy or constructive way to cope with your past experiences. Inflicting suffering on others will not heal your wounds or bring you genuine relief.
Instead, I encourage you to consider the following steps to help you cope with your feelings and work towards healing:
Talk to Someone: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, teacher, counselor, or therapist to discuss your feelings and experiences. Sharing your emotions with someone who can listen and provide support can be cathartic and beneficial.
Seek Professional Help: If you're finding it challenging to cope with your emotions and experiences, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can offer valuable guidance and support tailored to your specific needs.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you've been through challenging times. Practice self-compassion and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
Engage in Positive Activities: Find healthy and positive outlets for your emotions, such as engaging in hobbies, physical exercise, or creative expression. These activities can help you channel your energy in a constructive way.
Forgiveness: Consider the possibility of forgiving those who have caused you pain, not because what they did was right, but to free yourself from the burden of carrying that anger and resentment.
Journaling: Writing down your feelings and thoughts in a journal can be therapeutic and help you process your emotions.
Support Groups: Look for support groups or online communities where you can connect with others who have gone through similar experiences. Sharing your stories and listening to others can provide validation and a sense of belonging.
Set Goals for the Future: Focus on setting positive and achievable goals for yourself. Planning for the future and working towards personal growth can give you a sense of purpose and direction.
Remember, seeking revenge or wanting to cause harm to others will not lead to true healing or happiness. Instead, by seeking support and taking positive steps towards healing, you can work towards building a more fulfilling and positive future for yourself. It may be a challenging journey, but know that healing and growth are possible with the right support and mindset.