People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience intense pain and suffering when they lose someone who is abusive to them for several reasons, which are linked to the complex and heightened emotions characteristic of the disorder:
Emotional Sensitivity: People with BPD often experience emotions more intensely than those without the disorder. This heightened emotional sensitivity can make them particularly vulnerable to the emotional impact of abusive relationships.
Fear of Abandonment: BPD is often characterized by a pervasive fear of abandonment. Even in abusive relationships, individuals with BPD might have developed a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. The thought of losing the abuser can trigger overwhelming feelings of abandonment, leading to intense emotional pain.
Idealization-Devaluation Cycle: Many individuals with BPD tend to have unstable and intense relationships, characterized by an idealization-devaluation cycle. At times, they may idealize their abuser, seeing them as a source of love, validation, or security. When the abusive person's behavior changes or they withdraw affection, the person with BPD may experience a sudden shift into feelings of anger, hurt, and rejection.
Dependence on External Validation: People with BPD often rely heavily on external sources for validation and a sense of self-worth. In abusive relationships, the abuser may control or manipulate the individual's self-esteem, making them believe they are unworthy or unlovable. Losing this source of validation can lead to feelings of worthlessness and intense emotional pain.
Identity Disturbance: BPD can be associated with identity disturbances, leading individuals to have a fragile sense of self and self-image. When they are in abusive relationships, their identity might become enmeshed with that of the abuser, making it difficult to separate their emotions and well-being from the relationship.
Trauma Bonding: Abusive relationships can create a complex psychological phenomenon known as trauma bonding. This bonding occurs when the victim forms a strong emotional attachment to the abuser, despite the harm they inflict. Trauma bonding can make it difficult for the person with BPD to break free from the abusive relationship, even when they are aware of its destructive nature.
Limited Coping Mechanisms: Individuals with BPD may have limited coping mechanisms to deal with the intense emotions they experience. When faced with the loss of an abusive person, they may struggle to process and regulate their feelings effectively, leading to a heightened sense of pain and suffering.
It's crucial to understand that while these reasons may help explain the intensity of emotions experienced by people with BPD in abusive relationships, the abuse itself is never justified or acceptable. If you or someone you know is experiencing an abusive relationship or struggling with BPD, seeking professional help from a mental health therapist who specializes in BPD can be beneficial. Therapy can provide support, coping strategies, and tools for building healthier relationships and managing emotions effectively.