It's important to note that not every person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) engages in hoovering behavior, and not every instance of hoovering is directly related to BPD. Hoovering is a manipulative tactic often associated with individuals who have narcissistic or borderline traits, but it's not exclusive to them.
Hoovering refers to a pattern of behavior where a person tries to "suck" their former partner or friend back into their lives after a breakup or period of estrangement. They may do this by reaching out, expressing a desire to be friends, or even attempting to rekindle the romantic relationship, despite past conflicts or issues.
Here's a hypothetical example of hoovering by a person with borderline personality disorder:
Sarah and John were in a romantic relationship, and Sarah has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Due to Sarah's emotional volatility and difficulties with maintaining stable relationships, John decided to end the romantic aspect of their relationship but expressed a willingness to stay friends.
In the days following the breakup, Sarah feels a strong emotional need for validation and reassurance, which is characteristic of BPD. She reaches out to John, saying she misses him and values their friendship. John, trying to be understanding, responds politely and agrees to remain friends.
Over the next few weeks, Sarah's behavior becomes unpredictable. One day she's friendly and chatty, and the next day she's angry and accusing John of not caring about her. Whenever John tries to establish boundaries or distance, Sarah becomes even more desperate for his attention.
Sarah starts calling and texting him incessantly, often late at night or during times when she knows John is busy. She brings up old memories of their time together and tries to make him feel guilty for not being more invested in the friendship. She oscillates between idealizing John as the best person she's ever met and devaluing him as someone who doesn't care about her feelings.
Despite feeling emotionally drained and knowing that the friendship is unhealthy, John finds it hard to cut ties completely because he wants to be supportive and worries about Sarah's well-being. This is a classic hoovering behavior where the person attempts to draw the other person back into their life by manipulating their emotions.
It's essential to remember that hoovering is a form of emotional manipulation and can be harmful to both parties involved. Setting boundaries and seeking professional help for managing borderline personality disorder can be beneficial for the person with BPD and the people around them. If you or someone you know is experiencing such dynamics in a relationship, it's crucial to seek support from mental health professionals or support groups.