Wanting to hurt or scare their partner when angry is often a manifestation of the intense emotions and difficulties in emotional regulation that are characteristic of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is crucial to understand that not all individuals with BPD will engage in such behaviors, and BPD does not excuse harmful actions. However, some people with BPD may exhibit behaviors that can be harmful to their partners or others during times of distress or emotional dysregulation.
The reasons behind such behavior in individuals with BPD can be complex and may include the following factors:
Emotional Dysregulation: People with BPD often struggle with managing their emotions effectively. When faced with intense emotions such as anger, they may have difficulty controlling their impulses and resort to harmful behaviors as a way to cope.
Fear of Abandonment: The fear of being abandoned is a core feature of BPD. In times of emotional distress, individuals with BPD might act out as a way to push their partners away or test their loyalty. They may believe that hurting or scaring their partner will either prevent abandonment or validate their fear that their partner will eventually leave them.
Splitting: Splitting is a defense mechanism commonly observed in BPD where individuals see things as all good or all bad, with little room for gray areas. During episodes of anger or distress, they may perceive their partner as entirely negative and feel the need to retaliate or punish them.
Past Trauma: Many individuals with BPD have experienced significant trauma in their lives, which can contribute to difficulties in managing emotions and interpersonal relationships. Past traumatic experiences may influence their reactions in the present, leading to harmful behaviors.
Attachment Issues: BPD is often associated with difficulties in forming and maintaining secure attachments. This can lead to challenges in navigating conflicts in relationships, resulting in harmful behaviors.
It is essential to recognize that engaging in harmful behaviors is not a healthy or acceptable way to cope with emotions, and it can have serious consequences for both the individual with BPD and their partner. Seeking professional help and therapy, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can assist individuals with BPD in developing healthier coping strategies and improving their interpersonal skills. Additionally, partners of individuals with BPD can benefit from support and education to better understand the condition and learn how to communicate and set boundaries effectively.