Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often experience intense emotions and struggles with regulating their feelings. This can lead to unpredictable behavior and difficulty in maintaining stable relationships. Several factors can contribute to someone with BPD saying they are going to end things but then continuing on as normal:
Fear of Abandonment: People with BPD commonly have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected. When they feel overwhelmed by emotions or perceive a threat of abandonment, they might express a desire to end the relationship as a way to test the other person's commitment or to gain reassurance of their importance in the person's life.
Emotional Dysregulation: BPD is characterized by emotional dysregulation, which means that intense emotions can quickly escalate and feel overwhelming. During moments of emotional distress, the person may express extreme reactions, such as wanting to end the relationship, but as their emotions stabilize, they might revert to a more balanced state and continue the relationship as normal.
Splitting: Splitting is a common defense mechanism in BPD, where individuals see things and people as either all good or all bad. This black-and-white thinking can lead to abrupt shifts in perceptions and emotions, causing them to oscillate between wanting to end the relationship and then feeling positive emotions towards the person.
Impulsivity: BPD is often associated with impulsivity, which can lead individuals to say things without fully thinking through the consequences. This impulsivity may cause them to express a desire to end the relationship in the heat of the moment, but upon reflection, they might recognize the intensity of their emotions and reconsider.
Seeking Validation: By threatening to end the relationship, individuals with BPD may be seeking validation of their partner's love and commitment. The partner's reassurance and efforts to prevent the breakup can temporarily alleviate the person's fear of abandonment.
Testing Boundaries: BPD individuals may unconsciously test the boundaries of the relationship to see how much their partner cares and if the relationship can withstand challenges. This behavior is often driven by underlying insecurities and a need for security.
Cyclical Patterns: BPD symptoms can often follow cyclical patterns. Periods of emotional intensity and conflict may be followed by calmer periods when the individual feels more stable and connected to their partner.
It's important to note that the experiences and behaviors of individuals with BPD can vary widely, and not everyone with BPD will exhibit the same patterns. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD or its impact on relationships, seeking professional help, such as therapy, can provide valuable support and coping strategies to navigate these challenges.