Telling someone to "calm down" when they are upset can often be counterproductive and lead to further frustration or anger. There are a few reasons why people might become more upset when you tell them to calm down:
Invalidating their emotions: When you tell someone to "calm down," it can feel like you are dismissing or invalidating their feelings. They might interpret it as you not taking their emotions seriously or not understanding why they are upset.
Heightened emotions: Emotions are already running high, and hearing "calm down" can feel like a demand or a judgment, which can intensify their emotional response.
Lack of empathy: Instead of acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy, telling someone to "calm down" can make them feel like you are not supporting or understanding them.
Communication barrier: It can create a barrier to effective communication. The person might feel that you are not willing to listen or engage in a meaningful conversation about the issue at hand.
Control issues: Being told to calm down might make the person feel like you are trying to control or manipulate their emotional state, which can be frustrating.
Timing and delivery: The way you deliver the message can also make a difference. If it comes across as condescending or patronizing, it will likely trigger a negative response.
Escalation of the situation: Sometimes, telling someone to "calm down" can escalate the situation rather than de-escalating it. The person might feel provoked or even angrier due to the perceived lack of understanding.
Instead of telling someone to "calm down," it's generally more helpful to approach them with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge their emotions, validate their feelings, and offer support. Use calming and empathetic language to create a safe space for communication. For example, you could say, "I can see that you're upset, and I want to understand what's bothering you" or "I'm here for you if you want to talk about it." This approach is more likely to lead to a constructive and productive conversation.