It's essential to understand that memory can be a complex and adaptive process, and there are various psychological mechanisms that could be at play in your situation. Here are some potential explanations:
Repressed Memories: Sometimes, individuals can unconsciously block out traumatic memories as a defense mechanism. This is known as repressed memory. The brain may hide distressing or overwhelming memories to protect the individual from the emotional pain associated with the traumatic event. While the memory itself might be buried, the emotional impact and symptoms can still surface.
Implicit Memory: Even if explicit memories of trauma are not accessible, the emotional and physiological effects of the trauma can be stored as implicit memories. These implicit memories can still influence our behaviors, feelings, and beliefs without us consciously recalling the original traumatic event.
Developmental Trauma: Trauma can occur during early childhood stages when our brains are still developing. These experiences can shape our emotional and cognitive processes in ways that may not be consciously remembered but can impact our functioning later in life.
Complex Trauma: Experiencing chronic or repetitive adverse events during childhood, such as neglect, emotional abuse, or witnessing domestic violence, can lead to complex trauma. These experiences may not be isolated traumatic events, making them harder to pinpoint as specific memories.
Interpersonal Trauma: Trauma does not have to come from family; it can also result from experiences with peers, teachers, or others in your environment during childhood.
Episodic Memory Limitations: Our episodic memory (the ability to recall specific events) might be imperfect, especially for events that happened a long time ago. The brain may prioritize certain memories over others, and some events may fade away with time.
Attachment Issues: Early attachment experiences can significantly impact our self-esteem and emotional well-being. If there were difficulties in forming secure attachments during childhood, it could lead to the symptoms you're experiencing.
Inherited Traits: Some psychological traits and vulnerabilities can be inherited from our parents or ancestors, which might contribute to the way you respond to stress and adversity.
It's important to recognize that these are just potential explanations, and the best way to understand your specific situation is to consult with a qualified mental health professional. They can conduct a thorough assessment, consider your personal history, and provide appropriate support and guidance to help you work through any unresolved issues. Therapy can be beneficial for gaining insight into your feelings and behaviors, even if you don't recall the specific traumatic events that may have contributed to them.