It seems like you might be experiencing a complex emotional situation, and I want to start by saying that it's essential to prioritize your well-being and mental health. What you're describing could be related to trauma bonding, a phenomenon where an intense emotional bond develops between an individual and an abusive person. It's characterized by feelings of loyalty, dependency, and an obsessive desire to please the abuser.
In this case, your feelings of being obsessed with being the most qualified tool for the narcissist could be a result of trauma bonding. Narcissists often manipulate and exploit others, causing them to feel like they need to prove themselves continually and seek validation from the narcissist.
Here are some steps you can consider taking to address this situation:
Seek professional help: Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abusive relationships. They can provide you with support, guidance, and coping strategies to navigate your feelings and experiences.
Build a support network: Surround yourself with friends, family, or support groups who can offer understanding and empathy. Having a strong support network can be crucial in breaking free from toxic relationships.
Educate yourself about narcissism: Understanding the traits and behaviors of narcissists can help you recognize the manipulation and break the hold they have on you.
Set boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries with the narcissist and others in your life. This may involve limiting contact or creating distance to protect yourself emotionally.
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that it's not your fault for being in this situation. Healing from trauma and breaking free from unhealthy bonds takes time and patience.
Focus on personal growth: Shift your focus from trying to be the most qualified tool for the narcissist to personal development and growth. Invest time in activities that make you feel empowered and fulfilled.
Consider a safety plan: If the relationship with the narcissist is physically dangerous, make sure you have a safety plan in place, and reach out to local resources or helplines for support.
Remember, it can be challenging to break free from the grip of a narcissist, but it is possible with support and determination. Your well-being and happiness are essential, so don't hesitate to seek professional help and support as you navigate this challenging situation.