If someone says, "Stop being so defensive," it can feel challenging to respond in a way that maintains a constructive conversation. Here are a few possible ways to respond:
Reflect on their comment: You can say something like, "I hear what you're saying. Maybe I am coming across as defensive, and I don't want our conversation to be unproductive. Let's try to focus on the issue at hand."
Ask for clarification: Seek to understand what specifically made them feel you were being defensive. You can ask, "Can you please tell me which part of my response seemed defensive to you? I want to make sure I address your concerns properly."
Express your feelings: Share your feelings about the situation. For instance, "I might have sounded defensive because I felt attacked. I didn't mean to be defensive; I just want to ensure my perspective is understood too."
Use "I" statements: Instead of putting the focus on them, share your thoughts and emotions. For example, "I'm sorry if it seemed that way. I'm feeling a bit sensitive about this topic because..."
Agree and move forward: Acknowledge their comment and show your willingness to move the conversation in a positive direction. You could say, "You're right. I didn't mean to be defensive. Let's try to find common ground and continue the discussion."
Take a short break: If you find yourself getting too emotional or defensive, it's okay to suggest taking a short break to collect your thoughts and come back to the conversation later when both parties are calmer.
Remember, it's essential to have open and respectful communication with others, even when discussing disagreements. Try to stay focused on the topic at hand and avoid personal attacks or aggressive language. Healthy conversations can lead to better understanding and resolution.