The behavior you described, where individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or psychopathy appear charming and charismatic initially but become abusive or manipulative once you become emotionally invested in the relationship, is a well-documented pattern. There are several factors that contribute to this phenomenon:
Idealization and Love-Bombing: At the beginning of a relationship, people with NPD or psychopathy often engage in love-bombing, showering their targets with affection, attention, and compliments. They create an idealized image of themselves to lure others in, making them feel special and valued. This phase is designed to make the victim emotionally attached and invested in the relationship.
Empathy Deficit: Both NPD and psychopathy are characterized by a lack of empathy. Initially, the lack of empathy may not be apparent, as they are skilled at mimicking emotions and showing concern for others' feelings. However, as the relationship progresses, the lack of genuine emotional connection becomes evident, and the person may become callous or even cruel.
Grandiosity and Superiority Complex: Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others. In the beginning, this grandiosity can be masked as confidence and charm, but as the relationship develops, they may become dismissive of their partner's needs and feelings.
Manipulation and Gaslighting: Both NPD and psychopathy involve manipulation and gaslighting as tools to maintain control over their partners. Gaslighting is a tactic where they distort the victim's perception of reality, making them doubt their own judgment and sanity. This can lead the victim to second-guess their feelings and perceptions, making them more vulnerable to emotional abuse.
Devaluation and Discard: Once the narcissist or psychopath feels they have gained enough control over their partner, they may start to devalue and demean them. This can be a strategy to keep their partner in a state of dependency and submission. They may cycle between idealization and devaluation, creating confusion and emotional turmoil in the victim.
Triangulation and Jealousy: To maintain control and keep their partner off-balance, narcissists may use triangulation, bringing in a third party or creating jealousy-inducing situations. This can lead to further emotional manipulation and abuse.
Entitlement and Lack of Accountability: Both NPD and psychopathy can be associated with a sense of entitlement, meaning they believe they deserve special treatment and that rules don't apply to them. This can lead to a lack of accountability for their hurtful actions.
It's important to note that not everyone with NPD or psychopathy will display abusive behavior, and the severity of these traits can vary among individuals. However, the charm and manipulation are common features that can make it challenging for victims to recognize the abusive dynamics until they are deeply entangled emotionally.
If you suspect you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship with a person with NPD or psychopathy, it's crucial to seek support from friends, family, or professional counselors who can provide guidance and help in navigating the situation safely.