I can try to offer some general insights that might help you better understand your feelings.
Feeling the desire to avoid sleep and staying awake despite feeling depressed can be related to several factors:
Avoidance of negative emotions: Depression can be overwhelming, and sometimes, individuals try to avoid facing their emotions by keeping themselves occupied or awake. Sleeping might feel like entering a vulnerable state where negative emotions could become more pronounced.
Loss of interest in activities: Depression can lead to a loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, including sleep. By staying awake, you may try to find distractions or escape from the emotional pain you're experiencing.
Insomnia: Depression can disrupt sleep patterns and cause insomnia. It becomes a vicious cycle where sleep deprivation worsens the depressive symptoms, and the depression makes it harder to sleep.
Loneliness or need for connection: Being awake when others are asleep might provide a sense of companionship, especially if you feel lonely or isolated due to depression.
Lack of motivation: Depression can lead to a lack of motivation to take care of oneself, which includes maintaining a healthy sleep schedule.
It's important to remember that self-destructive behaviors, such as depriving yourself of sleep, are not healthy coping mechanisms and can exacerbate your depression. It's essential to reach out for support and talk to someone who can provide professional help, such as a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. They can help you understand the underlying reasons for these feelings and work with you to develop healthier coping strategies.
If you're in immediate distress or danger, please consider contacting a helpline or a crisis support service in your country. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are people who genuinely care and want to support you through this difficult time.