The behavior you described, purposely triggering oneself by watching, listening to, or doing things that remind a person of their trauma, is known as "trauma reenactment" or "traumatic reenactment." This phenomenon can be complex and has psychological explanations:
Attempting to gain control: Traumatic experiences can leave individuals with a sense of powerlessness and loss of control. By deliberately triggering themselves, some people may be attempting to regain a sense of control over the traumatic memories or experiences.
Desensitization and processing: Engaging with trauma-related triggers can be an unconscious way of trying to desensitize oneself to the traumatic memories or emotions associated with the trauma. Some individuals may believe that by exposing themselves to triggers repeatedly, they will eventually become less sensitive to them.
Emotional numbing: Trauma can lead to emotional numbing, where individuals feel disconnected from their emotions. Purposely triggering themselves might be a way to elicit emotional responses, even if they are negative, to feel more connected to their own emotions.
Seeking validation: Some individuals might seek validation or understanding from others by sharing or reenacting their trauma. This behavior can be an attempt to communicate the pain they have experienced or to seek empathy from others.
Trying to make sense of the trauma: Traumatic events can be confusing and disorienting. By triggering themselves, individuals may be trying to make sense of the trauma or understand why it happened.
Repetition compulsion: In some cases, trauma reenactment can be linked to Freud's concept of repetition compulsion, where people unconsciously repeat traumatic experiences in an attempt to gain mastery over them or to find a different outcome.
While trauma reenactment may serve a psychological purpose for some individuals, it can also be dangerous and counterproductive. Deliberately exposing oneself to traumatic triggers can lead to retraumatization, exacerbate symptoms of post-traumatic stress, and hinder the healing process.
In therapeutic contexts, trauma reenactment can be addressed through evidence-based therapies like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), or trauma-focused therapies. A trained mental health professional can help individuals process trauma in a safe and controlled environment, providing appropriate coping mechanisms and strategies for managing triggers.
It's important for individuals who find themselves engaging in trauma reenactment or triggering behaviors to seek professional support and guidance. A qualified therapist can assist in understanding the underlying reasons for these behaviors and facilitate a healthier and more constructive approach to processing trauma.