It's important to remember that individual experiences and reactions can vary, and it's always best to seek guidance from a qualified mental health professional for personalized support.
What you're describing could be related to a few psychological mechanisms commonly observed in individuals who have experienced trauma:
Memory Suppression and Dissociation: During the actual traumatic events, your brain might have employed mechanisms to cope with the overwhelming emotions and stress. One way it does this is through memory suppression, where the brain tries to protect you by pushing the memories of the traumatic events out of conscious awareness. This can create a sense of detachment from the emotions during the event itself.
Emotional Numbing: After experiencing trauma, it's common for individuals to develop emotional numbness as a coping mechanism. This numbing can help in temporarily shielding yourself from the intense feelings associated with the trauma. However, when you reflect on the events later, the emotions may resurface, causing fear and distress.
Delayed Emotional Processing: Sometimes, the full emotional impact of a traumatic experience might not be felt immediately. It could take time for the mind to process and integrate the feelings associated with the events. When you think about the past events, your mind may be catching up with the emotional aspects that were previously suppressed.
Triggered Responses: Recalling traumatic events can act as triggers, reminding your brain and body of the distressing experiences. The triggered response can elicit the same physiological and emotional reactions you felt during the actual events.
Change in Perspective: As you grow older and gain more life experiences, your perspective on past events may shift. You might now have a better understanding of the implications and consequences of those childhood experiences, which can evoke fear and anxiety.
If you find that these memories are affecting your daily life and causing significant distress, it's crucial to seek support from a mental health professional. They can help you work through these emotions, process the trauma, and develop coping strategies to manage the fear and numbness associated with your past experiences. Remember that healing from childhood trauma is possible with the right support and resources.