I'm really sorry to hear that you went through such a traumatic experience. It's important to remember that the feelings you're experiencing are not uncommon, but they can be very challenging to deal with. Leaving an abusive relationship can be emotionally complex, and there are several reasons why some individuals may still have the desire to go back to their abusers, even when they know it's not healthy. Some of these reasons might include:
Trauma Bonding: Abusers often create a cycle of abuse and kindness, leading to a strong emotional bond between the victim and the abuser. This can make it difficult to break away from the relationship.
Low Self-Esteem: Abusers often undermine their victims' self-esteem and make them feel unworthy of love or incapable of finding better relationships.
Fear of Retaliation: Victims may fear that leaving the abuser will lead to further harm or violence.
Isolation: Abusers may isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for the victim to seek support outside the relationship.
Hope for Change: Victims may hold onto the hope that their abuser will change, especially if the abuser apologizes and promises to do better.
Financial Dependency: In some cases, victims may rely on their abusers financially, making it difficult to leave without support.
Recognizing that you want to go back to your abuser despite knowing it's unhealthy is an important step, as it indicates that you are aware of the situation's complexity. Here are some steps you can take to help yourself:
Reach Out for Support: Talk to friends, family members, or a support group about what you're going through. Having a support system can be crucial in helping you stay strong and focused on making positive changes.
Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking counseling or therapy to work through the emotional trauma and understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship. A professional can offer guidance and coping strategies.
Create a Safety Plan: If you decide to leave the abusive relationship, develop a safety plan to protect yourself from potential harm. This plan should include resources like safe places to go, important contacts, and steps to take if you feel threatened.
Focus on Self-Care: Practice self-compassion and self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help rebuild your self-esteem.
Educate Yourself: Learn about the patterns of abuse and manipulation to better understand your experiences and the reasons behind your feelings.
Set Boundaries: If you do decide to interact with your ex, set clear boundaries to protect yourself from manipulation or harm.
Legal and Community Resources: Know your rights and access community resources for support and protection.
Remember, leaving an abusive relationship and healing from its effects is a process that takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and know that you deserve to be in a safe, loving, and respectful relationship. Consider seeking professional help to guide you through this difficult journey and empower you to make the best decisions for your well-being.