If you have a partner with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who exhibits sudden shifts in behavior, such as being very mean and then very nice, it can be confusing and challenging to understand their actions and emotions. It's important to remember that individuals with BPD often experience intense and rapidly changing emotions, and this can lead to unpredictable behaviors and reactions.
When your partner suddenly becomes very nice after being mean, there are a few possibilities to consider:
Idealization and Devaluation: Individuals with BPD may engage in a pattern of idealization and devaluation, where they alternate between seeing someone as perfect and wonderful (idealization) and viewing them as all bad or unworthy (devaluation). So, the sudden shift from being mean to being very nice could be a result of this fluctuating perception.
Fear of Abandonment: People with BPD often struggle with a deep fear of abandonment. Being mean might have been a defense mechanism to push you away, but when they fear losing you, they may switch to being very nice as an attempt to bring you closer.
Emotional Dysregulation: BPD is characterized by difficulties in regulating emotions. The sudden shifts in behavior can be a manifestation of this emotional dysregulation, where intense emotions drive their actions.
Impulsivity: Impulsive behavior is another common trait in BPD. Your partner's actions might be impulsive, without much forethought or consideration of the consequences.
It's essential to approach these situations with compassion and empathy, but it's also crucial to set healthy boundaries. If you find the abrupt changes in behavior are causing distress or instability in your relationship, consider the following:
Communication: Encourage open and honest communication with your partner. Express how their behavior affects you and the relationship in a non-blaming manner.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations in the relationship. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries to ensure you maintain a healthy dynamic.
Encourage Professional Help: Suggest seeking professional therapy or counseling for your partner. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a commonly used approach to help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and behaviors more effectively.
Self-Care: Take care of your own emotional well-being and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed. Caring for yourself is essential when dealing with the challenges of a relationship with someone who has BPD.
Remember that supporting a partner with BPD can be challenging, and you don't have to navigate it alone. Seeking guidance from mental health professionals and support groups can provide you with valuable insights and coping strategies.