Narcissists have a complex and manipulative way of relating to others, driven by their deep-seated insecurities and an inflated sense of self-importance. This behavior often stems from their fragile self-esteem and constant need for validation and admiration. Here's why they might tell you they want to be with you but act like you aren't doing enough in the relationship:
Love bombing and idealization: At the beginning of the relationship, narcissists often engage in intense love bombing. They shower you with affection, compliments, and attention, making you feel like the most important person in the world. This phase is meant to hook you emotionally and create a strong bond quickly.
Desire for control and power: Once the narcissist feels they have your emotional investment, they shift their behavior. They start to exert control and power over you, seeking to maintain dominance in the relationship. By making you feel inadequate or like you're not doing enough, they can manipulate you into trying harder to please them, thus reinforcing their control over you.
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting: Narcissists are experts at emotional manipulation and gaslighting. They may twist your words, make you doubt your own perceptions, and constantly shift the goalposts of what they expect from you. This creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim, making them more susceptible to the narcissist's control.
Constant need for validation: No amount of validation or attention is ever enough for a narcissist. They have an insatiable appetite for admiration and praise, and they will always seek more from you, regardless of how much you give. This is because their sense of self-worth is dependent on external validation, and they fear feeling abandoned or unimportant.
Inability to form deep connections: Narcissists struggle to form deep, meaningful connections with others because they are primarily focused on their own needs and desires. They may claim to want to be with you, but they lack the empathy and emotional depth needed for a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
Fear of abandonment: Behind their grandiose facade, narcissists often feel deeply insecure and fear being abandoned. Their behavior of making you feel inadequate is a defense mechanism to keep you close and prevent you from leaving the relationship.
It's important to understand that being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging. Their behavior is unlikely to change, and attempting to meet their ever-changing demands will only perpetuate the cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse. If you find yourself in such a relationship, seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can help you gain perspective and make decisions that are in your best interest.