A narcissist may hold onto someone while being cruel and mean to them for several reasons:
Need for Narcissistic Supply: Narcissists crave attention, admiration, and validation from others, known as narcissistic supply. When they mistreat someone, they might receive emotional reactions from that person, which the narcissist perceives as a form of attention. Even negative attention can be satisfying to a narcissist because it reinforces their sense of control and power over the other person.
Maintaining Control and Power: Narcissists often seek to maintain control and dominance in their relationships. By being cruel and mean, they can keep the other person off-balance, emotionally dependent, and in a state of confusion. This manipulation helps the narcissist maintain power over their victim and prevents them from asserting their own needs and desires.
Fear of Abandonment: Beneath their grandiose exterior, narcissists often harbor deep-seated insecurities and fear of rejection or abandonment. By treating their partner poorly, they may try to create an emotional dependence, making it harder for the victim to leave.
Lack of Empathy: Narcissists have difficulty empathizing with others and understanding the emotional impact of their actions. They might not fully comprehend or care about the pain they inflict on their partner.
Projection of Insecurities: Some narcissists project their own insecurities and self-doubts onto their partners. They may see vulnerability or kindness in their partner as weakness, and, in turn, respond with cruelty to assert their superiority.
Idealization and Devaluation Cycle: Narcissists often engage in a pattern of idealizing their partners in the beginning stages of a relationship, making them feel special and loved. However, as time goes on, they start to devalue their partners, criticizing and demeaning them. This cycle can create emotional confusion and make it difficult for the victim to leave, as they hope for a return to the idealization phase.
Lack of Accountability: Narcissists often struggle to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of acknowledging their mistreatment, they may shift blame onto their partner or external circumstances, justifying their cruelty.
Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists are skilled emotional manipulators. They may use guilt, gaslighting, and other tactics to make their partner question their own feelings, perceptions, and sanity. This manipulation can make it challenging for the victim to recognize the toxicity of the relationship.
It's important to remember that being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally damaging and harmful to one's self-esteem and well-being. If you find yourself in such a situation, seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be essential to break free from the cycle of abuse and begin the healing process.