Question

Help! I feel like my mother is an emotionally-abusive, controlling narcissist. I feel like she's made me the same. Why do I feel this way? I feel that she doesn't value my decisions enough and belittles what I want to and can do. What should I do?

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a challenging situation with your mother. It's not uncommon for children raised by emotionally abusive, controlling, or narcissistic parents to internalize some of those behaviors and feelings. Here are some reasons why you might feel this way:

1. Conditioning and Learned Behavior: Growing up in an environment with an emotionally abusive and controlling parent can lead to conditioned responses and learned behavior. You may have learned to internalize the critical and belittling messages, leading you to doubt your decisions and abilities.

2. Emotional Manipulation: Emotional abusers often use manipulative tactics to undermine their victims' self-esteem and independence. By belittling your choices and making you doubt yourself, your mother may be attempting to keep you dependent on her and in a position of subservience.

3. Guilt and Obligation: Narcissistic parents often instill a sense of guilt and obligation in their children. They may use these feelings to maintain control and discourage you from asserting your independence or making decisions that go against their wishes.

4. Invalidation of Your Feelings: Narcissistic parents may be dismissive of their children's feelings and experiences, leading to a lack of validation and a feeling of not being valued.

5. Fear of Rejection: Children of narcissistic parents often fear rejection or abandonment if they assert their independence or challenge their parent's authority. This fear can lead to compliance and a reluctance to make decisions or pursue their own desires.

If you believe you are mirroring some of your mother's behaviors, it's essential to recognize that this is a common consequence of growing up in an abusive environment. However, it doesn't mean you are doomed to perpetuate the cycle. Awareness of these patterns is the first step toward change.

Here are some steps you can consider taking:

1. Seek Support: Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in abusive family dynamics. A professional can help you process your feelings, identify harmful patterns, and develop healthier coping strategies.

2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your mother to protect yourself from further emotional abuse. This may involve limiting contact or setting guidelines for how you interact.

3. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends or family members who can provide emotional support and validation.

4. Develop Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and recognize that it's okay to make mistakes or have moments of self-doubt. Developing self-esteem and self-compassion can counteract the negative effects of emotional abuse.

5. Explore Your Own Interests: Take time to explore your own interests and passions. This can help you regain a sense of identity separate from your mother's influence.

6. Educate Yourself: Educate yourself about narcissism, emotional abuse, and healthy relationship dynamics. Understanding these concepts can empower you to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Remember that healing from emotional abuse takes time, and it's essential to be patient with yourself. Prioritize your well-being and take proactive steps to create a healthier and more fulfilling life for yourself.