Covert narcissists, like all narcissists, have a complex and manipulative psychological makeup. When they discard someone, it is typically part of their cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. During the idealization phase, they may shower their target with affection, attention, and admiration, making the person feel special and valued. However, as the relationship progresses, the covert narcissist's true nature begins to emerge, and they may become emotionally distant, critical, and dismissive, leading to the devaluation phase.
The discard phase is when the covert narcissist decides to end the relationship abruptly or withdraw emotionally and physically from the person. This phase can be incredibly hurtful and confusing for the person being discarded, as they might have become emotionally invested in the relationship during the idealization phase.
There are a few reasons why covert narcissists might want their discarded targets to come back:
Need for Validation and Control: Covert narcissists crave validation and attention. When they discard someone, they may miss the feeling of power and control they had over their target during the idealization phase. Trying to bring the person back allows them to regain control and validate their sense of superiority.
Fear of Abandonment: Despite their dismissive behavior, covert narcissists may have an intense fear of abandonment. When they discard someone, it might trigger feelings of insecurity and anxiety, leading them to attempt to reestablish the connection to alleviate those fears.
Securing Narcissistic Supply: Narcissists need a constant source of admiration and attention (narcissistic supply) to fuel their fragile ego. After discarding someone, they may realize that finding a new source of supply is not as easy as they thought. Returning to a previously discarded target can provide a readily available supply.
Hoovering: Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists to "suck" their targets back into the relationship. They may use various tactics, such as guilt-tripping, love-bombing, or making false promises, to lure the person back into their orbit.
Maintaining a Backup: Covert narcissists often like to have a backup option in case their current primary source of supply fails. They might attempt to bring back a discarded target to keep them on standby, even if they have no genuine intention of rekindling the relationship.
It's essential to recognize that attempting to go back to a relationship with a covert narcissist is usually not in the best interest of the person being discarded. These relationships tend to be emotionally draining, manipulative, and harmful to one's self-esteem and well-being. If you find yourself in this situation, it's crucial to prioritize your mental and emotional health and consider seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional to navigate the complexities of the situation.