The question of whether narcissists are genuinely incapable of love is a complex and debated topic. It's important to note that not all narcissists are the same, and the degree of their narcissism can vary significantly from person to person. Some individuals may exhibit narcissistic traits or tendencies without having a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
When it comes to romantic relationships with narcissists, it's crucial to understand that their concept of "love" is often different from what most people understand as genuine love. Narcissists are primarily focused on fulfilling their own needs, maintaining their self-image, and seeking admiration from others. They may engage in relationships to gain validation, control, and attention rather than forming deep emotional connections with their partners.
What you experienced in a relationship with a narcissist may have involved some elements of love and affection, especially during the initial stages when they were trying to win you over. They can be very charming, attentive, and seemingly loving during the love-bombing phase, which is a tactic used to hook their partners emotionally.
However, over time, the relationship with a narcissist often becomes characterized by manipulation, emotional abuse, and an inability to empathize with their partner's feelings and needs. They may devalue and discard their partners once they no longer serve their purposes or when they feel threatened by emotional intimacy.
So, while there might have been moments of affection or attachment, it's essential to recognize that the love displayed by a narcissist is often shallow, conditional, and self-serving. Their behavior is more focused on maintaining their ego and fulfilling their desires rather than building a mutually loving and supportive relationship.
The experiences you had in the relationship were not entirely an illusion, but they were likely tainted by the narcissist's manipulative and self-centered behavior. It's common for people who have been in relationships with narcissists to feel confused, hurt, and even doubting their own perceptions of reality because of the emotional rollercoaster and gaslighting tactics often used by narcissists.
It's essential to seek support from friends, family, or even a mental health professional if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Healing from the effects of such relationships can take time, but with the right support, it is possible to rebuild self-esteem and establish healthier relationship patterns in the future.