Narcissists often seek to control others as a way to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and bolster their fragile self-esteem. Controlling others gives them a sense of power and superiority, which helps them feel more significant and in control of their environment. However, the way a narcissist treats someone as an option rather than finding someone they genuinely want to control can be understood through several key factors:
Supply and manipulation: Narcissists seek "narcissistic supply," which refers to attention, admiration, and validation from others. They may target individuals who are easily manipulated or are more likely to provide the desired supply. The person being controlled is seen as a means to an end, a source of gratification for the narcissist's ego, rather than a genuine emotional connection.
Idealization and devaluation: At the beginning of a relationship, a narcissist may idealize their partner, putting them on a pedestal and showering them with affection to secure their admiration and loyalty. However, once they feel they have gained control or the desired supply, the narcissist may start to devalue the person, treating them as an option rather than a priority. This cycle of idealization and devaluation can be emotionally manipulative and confusing for the person being controlled.
Lack of genuine empathy: Narcissists often lack genuine empathy and the ability to emotionally connect with others on a deep level. They may view relationships as transactional and may not feel the need to find someone they genuinely care about or want to control on an emotional level. Instead, they prioritize their own needs and desires.
Fear of intimacy: Narcissists may have an underlying fear of intimacy and vulnerability. They may avoid forming deep emotional connections out of the fear of being exposed or rejected. By keeping others at a distance and treating them as options, they protect themselves from potential emotional harm.
Need for variety and excitement: Some narcissists may become easily bored and seek out new conquests or targets for control as a way to keep life exciting and maintain their sense of superiority.
It's important to recognize that narcissistic behavior is deeply rooted in personality traits and psychological factors that are not easily changed. Trying to rationalize or understand the motivations of a narcissist can be complicated and may not lead to meaningful change in their behavior. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist or suspect that someone you know is struggling with narcissistic tendencies, seeking support from a mental health professional can be beneficial in navigating these challenging dynamics.