When a narcissist ex says that they want to try to be friends, their motive is typically driven by a few possible reasons, although it's important to remember that every individual is unique and their motives may vary. Here are some common motives behind a narcissist expressing a desire to be friends:
Ego validation: Narcissists thrive on attention and admiration from others. By remaining friends, they can still maintain a level of influence and control over you. They may seek to keep you in their life to boost their ego and reaffirm their sense of self-importance.
Backup option: Narcissists often view people as tools to fulfill their needs and desires. By keeping you as a friend, they can have a fallback option in case their other relationships or attempts at new romantic pursuits don't work out. You become a safety net for them.
Maintaining control: Staying friends with an ex can allow a narcissist to manipulate and exploit you emotionally. They may use this connection to continue to gaslight, guilt-trip, or emotionally manipulate you to suit their needs and agenda.
Avoiding guilt or accountability: By presenting the idea of friendship, the narcissist might try to avoid facing the consequences of their actions during the relationship. It's a way for them to escape any responsibility for their hurtful behavior and maintain a facade of being a "good person."
Isolation tactics: Narcissists may try to keep ex-partners close, even as friends, to prevent them from moving on and forming new, healthy relationships. This can be an attempt to isolate you from other support systems that might challenge their control over you.
Future hoovering: "Hoovering" is a term used to describe the narcissist's attempts to draw a previous partner back into a relationship after a breakup. By maintaining a friendship, they can lay the groundwork for potential future hoovering episodes to regain power and control over you.
It's crucial to recognize these motives and protect yourself from further harm. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is essential when dealing with a narcissistic ex. If the relationship was toxic or emotionally abusive, it's often best to prioritize your own well-being and consider cutting off contact altogether. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate the healing process and move forward in a healthy way.