A narcissist may hold onto someone while being cruel and mean to them for several reasons, rooted in their personality traits and psychological dynamics:
Need for Control: Narcissists have an intense need for control and dominance in their relationships. By being cruel and mean, they can exert power over their partner and manipulate them emotionally. This control gives them a sense of superiority and feeds their ego.
Narcissistic Supply: Narcissists crave constant attention, admiration, and validation from others. They may keep their partner around because they provide a source of narcissistic supply, even if they treat them poorly. The partner's emotional reactions, whether positive or negative, fuel the narcissist's self-esteem.
Fear of Abandonment: While narcissists may not genuinely care for their partner's well-being, they fear being abandoned or rejected. To avoid this, they may oscillate between being cruel and then offering moments of kindness or love, creating a cycle of emotional confusion for their partner.
Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists are skilled emotional manipulators. They may use a combination of love-bombing (excessive affection and attention) and devaluation (cruelty and insults) to keep their partner emotionally invested and dependent on them.
Lack of Empathy: Narcissists often lack empathy, making it difficult for them to understand or care about their partner's feelings and needs. Their focus is primarily on their own desires and self-preservation.
Sense of Entitlement: Narcissists believe they are entitled to special treatment and that others should cater to their needs. This entitlement can lead them to mistreat their partners and expect them to tolerate the cruelty.
Idealization and Devaluation: In the beginning stages of a relationship, narcissists may idealize their partner, putting them on a pedestal. However, over time, this idealization fades, and they start devaluing their partner, which often results in abusive behavior.
Projection: Narcissists may project their insecurities and negative emotions onto their partners. They might see their own flaws or weaknesses in their partners and then respond with cruelty and blame.
Lack of Intimacy: True intimacy requires vulnerability and emotional connection, which can be challenging for narcissists. To maintain their emotional distance and protect their fragile self-image, they may resort to cruel behavior when their partner starts to get too close.
Pursuit of Validation: Some narcissists seek validation through having power and control over others. By causing emotional pain and seeing their partner continue to stay, they may feel validated in their perceived dominance.
It's important to recognize that being in a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally damaging and harmful. If you find yourself in such a situation, seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be crucial to help you navigate the difficulties and make healthy choices for your well-being.