It's understandable that you may be feeling a mix of emotions in this situation, but it's essential to take responsibility for your actions and feelings. Let's break it down:
Treating her horribly: If you acknowledge that you treated her poorly for almost two years, it's essential to reflect on your behavior and understand why you acted that way. Recognizing your mistakes is the first step towards personal growth and change.
Telling her you didn't want a girlfriend: If you communicated to her that you didn't want a girlfriend, it's understandable that she moved on. People have different needs and desires in relationships, and if your priorities didn't align, it's natural for her to seek someone who does want a committed relationship.
Feeling guilty: Feeling guilty can be a sign of remorse for your past behavior. It shows that you recognize the hurt you may have caused her and regret your actions. Guilt can be an opportunity for self-improvement and learning to treat others better in the future.
Blaming her for moving on quickly: It's not fair to blame someone for moving on after a breakup. People cope with relationships ending in different ways, and some may appear to move on faster than others. Instead of blaming her, try to focus on your own feelings and actions.
What you can do now:
Apologize and take responsibility: If you haven't already, consider apologizing to her for how you treated her during your relationship. Acknowledging your mistakes can be healing for both of you.
Reflect and learn: Take some time to reflect on your past behavior and identify areas for personal growth. Seek to understand why you treated her poorly and what you can do to avoid making the same mistakes in future relationships.
Focus on self-improvement: Work on becoming a better version of yourself. Address any underlying issues or personal insecurities that might have contributed to your past actions.
Give yourself time: Healing takes time, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions. Be patient with yourself as you process everything that has happened.
Learn from the experience: Use this situation as an opportunity to learn about yourself and your approach to relationships. Commit to treating others with respect and kindness in the future.
Remember that growth and change are possible if you're willing to take responsibility for your actions and work towards becoming a better person.